Spontaneous Tears, and A Journey into The Deep Subconscious
I cried a whole bunch of tears today. And truly learned a lesson.
It’s funny how it came about. Unexpected.
The last couple of weeks or so have been very challenging. I’ve just been feeling more emotionally reactive, more anxious, more easily upset. Not my usual character. I had been brainstorming what variable/s in my life, whether physical, mental, emotional or spiritual, had been causing stress. It could have been many things, from my foam mattress, platou in my purpose, long commutes to work, or old relationship stuff. Pair this with various inconveniences. Perhaps it is a choppy astrological time.
And then today the universe fucked me in the arse. Bank card malfunctioned on me at the gas station. Had to do heaps of extra driving to the branch to sort it out. Therefore had to cancel/ post pone plans for a hike with someone I was really looking forward to hanging out with.
When I got back home, the emotion was leaking out. “Fuck you ANZ. Fuck this, fuck that. AAAARGH.”
Then I got in my room, continued to express the frustration and anger, and then laid on the floor. Tears began to pour. Then sobbing. Then balling my eyes out. This obviously went far beyond ANZ.
The crying began to feel good, healthy. My body was relaxing, sinking into the floor, yet also feeling lighter.
I started to see visions of the emotions I had been holding onto, and the reason I had been feeling stressed today and many other days. I saw visions of how I have held on to images of perfectionism; trying to have my life in perfect order, slick, beautiful, functional... So I can prove my worthiness.
I saw the deep wounds I had been holding onto. Wounds around women, and not being good enough. For every woman has left me after a few months. It seems to prove that I am not worthy. If I was worthy, would I not be worth sticking around with, creating a life with? But no, they all have left so easily after a few months. I have always been fundamentally alone in my life. Note: I’m not calling this truth, just playing into the belief that surfaced. And not to worry, I have some great allies to help me in this, we are on the path of healing.
This was an extremely interesting shift for me. I am keen to explore more of what an “emotional catharsis” is, what value it brings. Less than a year ago, I was not very emotional at all. Surely some suppression has taken place.
As I have uncovered more of my feminine traits, I have been indulging in more emotion. It is very wholesome and aligned at times. Yet I have found there is a balance point. It is possible to let out too much outpouring of emotion, which just isn’t relevant to the moment, and it takes away from the lesson and integration of the small thing that arose. There are times to let out emotion, and times to nip it in the bud and move forward more rationally. It depends on the significance of the situation and how often it keeps happening.
Yet today the emotion was definitely meant to come out. It has served some big insights, which are still marinating.
Dark nights of the soul bring us closer to lightness, to source, said one of the wisest women I have known.
May we find the lightness, the tranquility after the storm.